Ch. 6: Lover’s Quarrel

LORCAN

When I begin to rouse from slumber, the first thing I notice is the absence of warmth in my arms.

My subconscious notes that this is strange, that I should feel warmth there, just as I’ve felt it every other time I’ve come to, and so my first instinct is to reach for my mate.

“Amberly…” I moan, waving my arm in a half-assed attempt to grab her. When my fingers meet nothing but cold, crisp sheets, I bolt upright.

I blink around. The bed is empty, and my mate is nowhere to be found.

Instantly, I am gripped with panic.

“Amberly?” I call, tumbling out of bed in a tangle of sheets. I curse violently, my frustration compounding alongside my panic as I free myself from the tangle. “Amberly!”

The ensuite is dark, as is the walk-in-wardrobe. I feel my mind slipping towards that panic-induced insanity when the warm tug of the bond comes alive inside my chest, and somehow I know exactly where she is. That she’s near, that she’s alive and well and wasn’t taken from me like I originally feared.

My heart rate slows.

Upon unsteady feet, I stumble across the bedroom and into the hallway. It’s not that I know her exact location—it’s more of a gut feeling of where to go, as though there is an invisible string tied to my waist and it’s tugging me towards her.

I find myself scowling as I tread down the halls. Why did she leave the bed without waking me up first? She’s never done anything of the sort before.

I open up the Mindlink between us.

“Amberly, what are you doing?”

“Lorcan?”

She sounds breathless. I take several more corners until, finally, I am standing outside a wide arch leading to one of the many music rooms. She stands at the center of it, both feet planted firmly and arms stretched out. Her pale hair looks to be in mild chaos, and when she shoots a look my way, I see small black bags under her eyes.

I step inside. “Amberly, what’s…?”

“I’m trying to summon my magic again,” she says, as if that explains everything.

I step closer, but that’s when I notice she’s still in her night clothes, and I come to a halt.

“How long have you been in here?”

She offers me a sheepish grin. “A while. I couldn’t sleep, so I decided I’d practice my magic instead.”

“So you’re telling me you’ve been here all night?”

There’s a sharp edge to my tone. She frowns. “Yeah… is something the matter with that?”

I force myself to reign in my frustrations. I don’t like the fact that she’s been standing here since stupid-o-clock when she should have been getting her much-needed rest, especially given the events of yesterday. But then again, she is a grown-ass adult who can make her own decisions, so I banish the thoughts from my mind.

2

Even so, I cannot help but feel a flicker of unease as I shake my head. “No, nothing’s the matter. I’m… sorry, I’m just in a bad mood this morning.”

Her frown melts into an easy smile and her tension dissipates a fraction. Eyes sparkling, she walks over, leans on her tiptoes and presses a kiss to my lips. A tangle of butterflies explode in my stomach, turning my knees to water and forcing my arms around her waist for stability.

Gods, I have the biggest crush on my mate.

She nuzzles into my neck. “You’re adorable, you know that?”

Taliyah’s beloved, Cephias, may be able to turn into a fierce dragon, but that won’t help him navigate the human world. She must escort him across multiple kingdoms in t…

A grin captures my lips, and I’m going to send her a witty retort when she abruptly spins away and resumes her position in the center of the room. Brows scrunching in concentration, she holds out her hand, staring at it as though expecting something to happen.

A cold fist of unease grips my chest, but I force myself to ignore it as I ask, “How long do you plan on practicing?”

“Until I master it,” she says simply. “The Lion said I’d only be able to contact him once I summoned my light. I need to master this.”

My unease turns to outright concern. What if she goes into shutdown? A voice inside my head mutters, but I quickly bat it away. No, she can’t go into shutdown—not this early on, anyways. Shutdowns are rare and require extreme magical exertion.

Even still, the possibility of it rattles me. I step forward. “Surely, you will accompany your poor fiance to breakfast?”

Her eyes flash with conflict. “I don’t know if I should, Lorcan. I mean, I want to, but if I break my concentration now…”

Determined to have her join me for breakfast (I never much cared for breakfast before, but now it seems utterly essential), I march behind her and slide my arms around her waist. She smiles.

“Lorcan—”

Then, I press my lips to her neck—to the tender spot between her neck and shoulder, the one that I know is her absolute weakness—and she leans into me with a groan.

“Mmm,” she mumbles, her concentration now gone. She smirks at me. “You’re wicked, you know that?”

“I know.” I nibble on her tender skin, teasing a small moan from her throat. “But you love it.”

She grins in answer. Pulling away, I wrap my hand around hers.

“Come.” I tug her forward. “Join me for breakfast.”

She smiles and, without any resistance, follows me out into the corridor.

***

Unfortunately, Amberly’s obsessive training was not a one-off occurrence like I’d hoped. When she wasn’t eating, sleeping, or bathing, she’d spend every damn moment in that music room, palms splayed out and brows furrowed in deep concentration.

At first, I tried to tell myself that it was fine, that she was a Fae prodigy and it only made sense she’d try hard to get her magic back. But as the circles under her eyes grew darker and her words became slurred and snappier, I found that notion harder to stand behind. My bright, witty mate was turning into a grumpy, burnt-out mess right before my eyes, and it was because she wasn’t getting enough damn sleep.

Eventually, I demanded that she start sleeping regularly again, and although the request was met within initial resistance she eventually relented. Although, I still didn’t get time to talk to her like I’d secretly hoped. I think the fact she had less time to train only gave her more reason to train harder, until she was so zapped that by the time she joined me in bed, she’d fall asleep the instant her head hit the pillow.

But it was not the tiredness that worried me most. It was the potential of her going into shutdown. If she kept it up, there was a chance the exertion would cause her magic to overwhelm her body, sending her organs into failure.

Truthfully, that was what kept me alert at all times, constantly checking the mate bond to ensure her well-being.

Now, I lay upon the bed, watching the door and waiting for her to come through. The mate bond tells me she’s getting closer, and although part of me hopes she’ll be lucid enough to hold a conversation, I know the odds aren’t good.

And I hate that. It feels like I haven’t been able to talk to my girl for a solid week now, and it’s killing me inside.

The door bangs open, and my back goes ram-rod straight. Her eyes gleam with unshed tears, and although she doesn’t look at me—her gaze is fixed firmly on the floor—I can tell those are tears of frustration.

I jump off the bed and hurtle towards her in an instant. There’s nothing I hate more than seeing her cry. I hate, hate, hate it.

I have her folded into my arms within seconds, pressing my lips on her forehead as my fingers rake through her hair in a soothing gesture.

“What’s wrong, lionheart?”

She shudders in my grasp, but she doesn’t say a word.

“Amberly?”

“I haven’t gotten anywhere,” she whispers, voice raspy with emotion. “It’s been a whole week and a half, Lorcan, and it feels like I’ve made no progress at all. I’m no closer to regaining contact with the Lion and it’s stressing me out.”

I grip her tighter. “It’s okay, lionheart—”

“No, it’s not.” She pushes away from me, and I stare at her in muted shock. She’s shaking now. “How am I meant to protect everyone if I cannot even summon a beam of my light? It’s so fucking pathetic it hurts.” She makes a wounded noise. “I’m pathetic.”

Her words pierce through my chest like a bullet, and I whimper as though I have indeed been shot.

“Don’t say that,” I rasp, my voice awfully fragile as I fold her into my embrace again. Her self-deprecating words hurt me more than she realizes

“But it’s true,” she mumbles distantly. “I’m supposed to be a Fae prodigy and yet I cannot even summon my magic. I’m a failure.”

“You are not a failure,” I grind out, pulling back to look into her face. “You’re tired and worn-out. What you need is some down-time, don’t you think?”

Her bottom lip trembles, but she doesn’t respond. I loosen a sigh.

“Amberly… please just take the day off tomorrow. You’re not going to improve by doing this.”

“You know I can’t do that.”

“You can—” My voice breaks, and a wave of fresh tears sting my eyes. I know I should feel ashamed for crying but I find I cannot quite bring myself to care. Not when my lionheart is doing this much damage to herself. “Please, Amberly, I am so worried for you. You’re going to make yourself sick.”

She looks up at me, and the emotion must be written all over my face because her eyes soften.

“Alright,” she says, grabbing my hand and rubbing her thumb over mine. I shudder. I’ve felt so fucking cut off from her that it feels like I’m starving for her touch all over again. “But only for half the day. No more than that.”

“No, Amberly, the whole day. You need a proper break.”

She doesn’t respond. Instead, she drops my hand and marches over to the bed. I shadow her step like a hound nipping at her heels.

“Amberly, you’re taking tomorrow off.”

Again, she doesn’t respond. She merely climbs into bed and pulls up the covers. I round the other side of the bed to join her, and although I try to ignore it I can feel my patience running thin.

I climb under the covers and shuffle towards her. “Amberly—”

“I’m only going to rest for half the day, Lorcan. Now let me sleep.”

1

My lips pull back from my teeth, and the urge to snap at her is overwhelming. Even so, I take a deep breath and tell myself I’ll press her on it tomorrow morning. There is no point arguing with her when she’s being so stubborn. Besides, isn’t her stubbornness one of the things I admire most about her?

So, with a resigned sigh, I drag her into my arms and nuzzle my head into her throat. I know she will not be awake for much longer, but like a man starving I will scavenge any morsel of touch. Even if it’s only a thirty-second cuddle.

But she instantly turns away, and I don’t know why, but that single action causes something to fracture inside of me, and like a thread drawn taut, I snap.

1

“This is bullshit,” I snarl, causing her to startle awake. I sit up and glare. “This is all a load of fucking bullshit!”

She stares at me in muted shock. “What is—”

“This!” I yell, motioning towards her. “You, training yourself to utter exhaustion! Pushing yourself towards literal sickness! This has got to fucking stop.”

She sits up, leveling her stare with mine. “This isn’t just something I can ‘stop’, Lorcan. I have to master my light whether I like it or not. It’s the only way I’ll regain contact with the Lion.”

“Then take a damn break!”

“No!” she snaps. “I don’t have that kind of time. Besides, I already agreed to a half day break. What the hell is your problem?”

“My problem?” I seethe. “My problem is that you’re going to go into shutdown at this rate. You know what that is? It’s when you overexert your magic and your body cripples as a result. Your organs fail and you die!”

“Well, I’m not going to go into shutdown if I cannot even summon my magic, will I now?”

“That’s not how it works!”

“Then stop complaining!”

“No!”

She flinches. Even so, my voice is strained with agony as I say, “I’m tired of it all! I’m tired of you pushing me away and the constant worrying over when you’re going to injure yourself. It’s killing me!”

“And you don’t think I’m not tired as well?” she hisses, tears glistening in her eyes. “You don’t know what it’s like, Lorcan. You don’t know what it’s like to have the weight of the world on your shoulders.” She raises her chin. “All of you are in danger. All of you. That Wicked One is out there somewhere, and she’s not going to wait on me to rediscover my magic before striking. I only have so much time to master my light and get back into contact with the Lion. Yes, I’m tired, but that is the cost of making progress.”

“And you will not lose progress,” I say slowly, “by taking one or two days off. In fact, I’m willing to bet you’d improve.”

She leans forward. “Time…is of the essence. I cannot idle for even a second. I must train—”

“And what, neglect every other aspect of your life?” My lip quivers. “I feel so damn locked-out, Amberly. You’re so tired these days that I can’t get so much as a word out of you before you collapse into sleep. And now…” I motion at her, looking for all the world like a madman. “And now I’m denied a cuddle? From my own mate? I have not seen you the entire day!”

“I did not deny you—”

“You turned away.”

“It means nothing.”

“It means everything,” I hiss. “You have been extremely anti-social and belligerent, and you know why? It’s because you’re tired. It’s because your mind and your body need rest. You never acted like this before. Never.”

Her gaze hardens into a glare. “I’m sorry, Lorcan, but it’s hard to act like a daisy in damn bloom when it feels like I’m being crushed from every damn angle. So yes, I apologize for my rudeness, but I also feel you should understand my predicament and give me some grace.”

I turn my head away. “Your rudeness and attitude aside, it doesn’t seem right for you to neglect me. That’s all you’ve been doing.”

My chest aches, but it feels good to say those words. To finally tell her how she’s truly been making me feel.

“Neglect you?” she echoes. I look over at her. “Lorcan… I’m sorry, but you are a grown-ass man. You’re a Fae King with independence and agency. You don’t need me to pander to you every second of the day, especially when you know that other things require my focus.”

It feels like she just shot me in the chest, because although I want to deny it, she’s right. I am a Fae King, and I should be self-operable enough not to rely on the company of someone else.

But what she can’t seem to grasp is that she is the air that I live and breathe. It was like that when I had my curse and it is like that now. I need her. In a way, she is and will always be my lifeline—my one total weakness. Her almost-death proved to me that I truly cannot live without her.

But I can’t say that. I don’t even think I could find the words to describe my feelings if I tried. So, instead, I explode.

“You don’t get it!” I yell. “Gods, you don’t get anything!”

“No, you don’t get it,” she shoots back.

“What don’t I get?”

“What it’s like to have absolutely no one.”

My jaw drops open. “What the fuck does that have to do with anything—”

“It has to do with everything!” she yells, fresh tears glistening in her eyes. Even so, she holds them back as she says, “You don’t know what it’s like to be completely, utterly alone, Lorcan. You always had Fennic. You always had a court filled with people who adored and admired you. I never had that. I had nobody. No one, Lorcan, not even a home. I know what it is like to have nothing, to be nothing.”

I’m silent. She rarely talks about her past with me, and even though I am angry at her right now—so, so angry at her—I’m not going to interrupt her, as her sharing her past feels so profound to me.

She swallows thickly. “And now, I know what it is like to have everything. I have you, Fennic, Maggie, the court… I have people that I love and who love me in return. And I will do anything—anything—in my power to prevent you all from getting hurt.

“So I apologize for being a less-than-ideal fiance and for training myself to exhaustion, but I am not going to let anybody take you away from me, Lorcan. No one. The only way I can ensure that is by making myself strong.”

I level her with a cool stare. “Well, you won’t be able to save any of us if you exhaust yourself into an early grave now, will you?”

I regret my words the moment they’re out, but it’s too late. Her eyes widen with hurt for a split-second before hardening to stone, and without so much as a word she tosses the covers away and stands from the bed.

“Where are you going?” I say, trying to sound authoritative and failing miserably. I sound more like a frightened child. “Amberly!”

She doesn’t respond. Instead, she walks towards the door, and my heart pounds in panic as I stagger after her. When I’m close enough, I reach out to grab her. “Amberly—”

“Do not”—she whips around and bats my hand away, eyes flashing dangerously—”touch me.”

I stare at her. Despite her anger, she looks hurt. Terribly, horribly hurt, and when her tears overflow and begin sliding down her face, I feel like the biggest asshole on earth.

She spins away and storms out the door, not looking at me once. And when the door falls shut, I am left with this awful, sinking sense of guilt in the pit of my stomach.