Ch. 8: The Comedian

Thankfully, the traffic wasn’t too bad during the rest of my drive, meaning despite my little “detour” I still managed to make it to the facility around the time I had originally planned. I turned my phone off as I waited in line at the parking garage.

Aside from the distraction Mason might pose, Phil also had this nasty passive-aggressive habit of calling me too much whenever I visited Eli. Always some pointless bullshit like “where was the remote” or “did the office call earlier about anything important.” Things he could have easily done or checked in on himself, but that he preferred to bother me about. His little way of telling me to “hurry back, you’re taking too long.”

Which might be one thing if I had been there hours at the time he started doing it. However, I was lucky to be there thirty minutes before he started with the assault of phone calls. I’d learned by now it was just better to have it off whenever I came. Besides, it’s not like I’d miss anything important. After all, the most important person in my life was already there.

The facility was expensive. Hell, most people could probably afford to buy a house with what we spent there in a year. But it was well worth the money. Aside from the highly-trained and fully-equipped medical staff, the grounds themself were beautiful.

In order to reduce stress, pollution, and offer the patients a more comfortable environment, it was located far from the city. A large, well-crafted building in the middle of an open field. They had groundskeepers and gardeners employed year-round to help maintain it all.

And, of course, everything inside was completely secured and sterilized. You weren’t even allowed to step foot into the actual facility until you’d passed through a security check, scrubbed up to doctor-level standards, and walked through a set of UV lights to kill off every last microbe that might be on you. A process to be sure, but worth it to know the person I loved the most would always be safe and healthy.

Despite the size of the place, I was long past the point of needing anyone to guide me through it. By now, most of the staff and patients already knew who I was too. A few smiled and waved to me, a couple greeted me by name, one physical therapist even pushed the button for the floor I was going to as I got on the elevator with her.

It was almost funny. A hospital, a medical facility. With doctors, nurses, sick patients, and medical machines up and down every hallway. Yet, somehow, I felt more at home when I was here than I ever did in my own home. I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry at that fact.

However, as they always did, all those concerns faded away as I arrived on my floor. I walked as fast as I could without running as I made my way down the hall to Eli’s room. My face was already breaking into a smile as I stood in front of his door. I lifted my hand and knocked on the door gently.

“Occupied,” a familiar voice called.

I rolled my eyes. “Open the door, you little shit.”

A second later the door swung open. Ronnie gave me a tired smile, nodding for me to come in. He gestured vaguely to where Eli was on the bed.

“I keep telling him not to quit his day job, but for some reason, he still thinks he’s hilarious.”

“That’s because I am hilarious. Not my fault you guys don’t know how to appreciate true comedy,” Eli said with a shrug.

As always, I couldn’t help but crack a smile seeing him. Bad jokes and all. I walked over and leaned down, giving him a kiss on the head. He made a disgusted noise and shoved me away gently. I snickered and rubbed his bald head, sitting next to him on the bed.

“And how is our resident village idiot doing today?”

“Ronnie,” he whined playfully, “she’s being mean to me again. Why do you keep letting her back in here?”

Ronnie shrugged, never looking up from the chart he was writing in. “Well, technically, she is the one who pays me. So…”

“Traitor!” Eli shouted, tossing a pillow at him.

Ronnie dodged it easily, smiling at him. “And on that note, I have to go drop off your charts before lunch. So, play nice you two. Do either of you need or want anything special while I’m downstairs?”

Eli perked up a bit. “Grab me a candy bar from the vending machine. Chocolate.”

“Another?” Ronnie asked, surprised. “You’ve already had two. You really shouldn’t be eating so much sugar.”

Eli scoffed and crossed his arms, leaning back. “Why? What’s it going to do? Kill me?”

The room was silent, but the air felt a little heavier. Ronnie quickly looked down at his chart again, but it was too late. I already saw the pain in his eyes. He pretended to scribble down something quickly while he composed himself. He cleared his throat loudly.

“I’ll be back in a minute. Call me if you need me.”

I bit my tongue as he organized his charts and left. However, the moment the door closed behind him, I turned to glare at Eli.

“You-“

“I know, I know. I crossed a line,” he sighed heavily, pressing a pillow over his face. “Maggie, do me a favor and just put me out of my misery.”

“Nice try. You’re not getting out of this that easily,” I warned him, pulling the pillow off of his face.

He frowned, turning his head towards the door again. His eyes were sad. I sighed and grabbed his hand, brushing my thumb over the back of it gently.

“Why do you say things like that to that poor boy? You know it hurts him, don’t you?”

“I know, I know… but… maybe that’s what I need to do,” he mumbled, looking down at the bed. “That way it won’t hurt him so much when I’m actually gone. After all, nobody mourns an asshole, right? Don’t even act like you haven’t already choreographed the dance you’d do on Phil’s grave if he ever kicked it.”

I couldn’t help but crack a small smile. “This and that are two different things.”

“You know, you don’t have to stay with him.”

I sighed heavily and closed my eyes, rubbing my temples. This again. Somehow it felt like we had this little “discussion” every time I visited him lately.

I don’t know what started it exactly. If it was something that’d been eating away at him for a while now or if I just looked particularly miserable one day. But either way, he’d been on this big kick lately of trying to convince me to leave Phil. A tempting idea for sure, but one that we both knew I would never do.

I felt his hand on my arm. I looked up to see him giving me a sad smile.

“Mags, I know you think you’re helping me by staying with him, but-“

“Eli, please, I really don’t want to have this discussion with you again,” I snapped, cutting him off.

He sighed and squeezed my arm gently. “Okay, okay, fine. I’ll put a pin in this. For now. But please, at least think about it a little more. Okay? I hate knowing that I’m the reason you’re so damn miserable all the time.”

“You are not the reason that I am miserable,” I said sternly. “Don’t you ever, even for one second, ever think that you are the reason that I am miserable. I married the wrong man. That’s why I’m so miserable. That’s on me. Not you.”

“Hey, don’t go blaming yourself either. You didn’t ‘marry the wrong man.’ You married a guy who, at the time, acted like he genuinely loved and cared about you. How were you supposed to know that he was a lying, manipulative sack of shit? It’s not like he was sitting in the background twirling his mustache like an old-timey cartoon villain or anything.”

A small snicker escaped my lips. He smiled at me triumphantly.

“Ha! See, you laughed. I knew it. I’m hilarious.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re something alright.”

“Yup, perfect.”

He winked at me, giving me double finger guns. Again, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Hey, can we order a pizza?” he asked suddenly. “Ronnie will say no if I ask him directly, but he wouldn’t be able to say anything if you were the one who ordered it.”

“You do realize the reason he says no to all this junk food is because it’s bad for you, right? As in, likely to shorten your already short lifespan?” I hinted.

He shrugged. “Hey, if an extra-large, extra-cheese pepperoni pizza is really how I’m meant to go, then it’s how I go.”

Again, I rolled my eyes and handed him my phone. “Fine, but you order it then. You know just as well as I do that Ronnie doesn’t give two shits about me being his ’employer’ or whatever. And I do not want to be yelled at for being an accomplice in whatever mozzarella-based suicide attempt you have planned.”

“It’s not a suicide. I’m just putting my fate in the hands of whatever dairy-based deity happens to come attached to a pizza,” he said playfully.

“Well, I’m going to the bathroom to establish plausible deniability for when Ronnie comes in and catches you,” I explained, standing. “If Phil calls-“

“Play up the ‘sick-and-dying-brother’ act so he feels too awkward to call again?”

I couldn’t help but snicker. “You got it.”

I was really glad that I decided to visit him today. I missed this. I needed this. This time with Eli. When I was with him, it was like all my troubles faded into the background. No arguments with Phil, no fake smiles and nosey neighbors, just me and my baby brother. Smiling, laughing, and teasing each other. Just like we always did.

Which was exactly why I could never leave Phil.

As the bathroom door closed behind me, I let out a huge sigh. I slid to the floor, hugging my knees to my chest.

Eli always worried that he was being the “selfish one” out of the two of us. “Forcing me” to stay with a man that I didn’t love just so I could pay his medical bills. But he couldn’t have been further from the truth. The truth was, I was the selfish one. No matter what the cost, I just couldn’t let him go.

I would sacrifice anything to keep Eli alive. Even if it was just for one more day. My happiness was nothing. After all, it was mine. I could do with it what I wanted. But I couldn’t deny the way my selfish actions affected other people’s lives either.

I couldn’t care less about Phil or whatever happened to him. But what about Ronnie?

He was the one who had to deal with all the bullshit that came with Eli being sick. The chemo, the medications, the weak days, the cleaning, the depression. Not to mention whatever mental/emotional toll these “visits” of mine took on him. Of course, he was a nurse. It was his job to do all this. And if that were all there was to it, then I don’t think I would mind the situation so much.

But I knew there was more to it than that. The way I saw him with Eli. The way he treated him, the way he spoke to him, the way he spoke of him, even that pain he had in his eyes just a few minutes ago. I knew that pain all too well. It was the pain that came with the knowledge that someday he would lose Eli forever.

Eli was more to Ronnie than just another patient. And part of the reason for that was how much time they had spent together. How long he had been by Eli’s side. And I just couldn’t help but feel like that was my fault for holding on like this for so long.

Of course, despite his bad jokes about it, Eli didn’t want to die either. As evidenced by the candy and cheese-based spree he was going on today, he was determined to live whatever life he had left to the fullest. He wasn’t happy about dying, and he didn’t want it to come any sooner than it had to, but he had already made his peace with it.

All joking aside, that crack he made about “death by pizza” really was his attitude toward the whole situation. A kind of “it is what it is” mentality that seemed to free him from the crushing inevitability of death so much more than me and Ronnie, who were still holding onto that last shred of hope.

Sometimes, I wished that I could be that casual about it. Crack jokes about it with him, make ridiculous and insanely inappropriate plans for his funeral like he suggested every now and again, just enjoy the time I had left with him without worrying anymore about which day would be the day.

But I couldn’t. Try as I might, I still couldn’t do it. And maybe I would never be able to.

However, none of that really mattered right now. Today wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about my grief, my fear, my regrets, or any of those things. It was about spending time with my baby brother. And that’s what I needed to be doing right now.

I took a deep breath to calm myself before standing and opening the door. Eli was staring down at the phone in his hands. I glanced around quickly, but I didn’t see Ronnie yet.

“We in the clear?” I asked.

He looked at me, smiling triumphantly. “Mission success.”

“Just remember, when that pizza arrives, I will be throwing you under the bus,” I warned. “No way in hell I’m going to face the wrath of Ronnie over you and your stupid junk food cravings.”

“Oh, God. I heard the phrase ‘wrath of Ronnie.’ What exactly do I need to be wrathful about?” Ronnie’s voice called from the entrance.

“You’ll find out in thirty minutes or less,” Eli chuckled, handing me my phone.

Ronnie glared at him. “Another pizza?! That’s twice this week! You just finished the leftovers from the last one a day or so ago.”

“But Rooonnieee,” Eli whined, “I have chemo scheduled tomorrow. Today is the last day I’m really going to be able to enjoy all this stuff before I’m too sick. Don’t you want me to have a really nice day before I have to go through all that?”

Eli decided to up the acting a bit by adding in some pouty lips and a set of puppy dog eyes. However, much like me, Ronnie had become immune to these overused attempts at pity by now. He stood with his hand on his hip, a bored expression on his face.

“You know what, I changed my mind. Please, drop dead.”

A small snicker escaped Eli’s lips. Ronnie rolled his eyes and walked over to the bed. He dug around in his pocket before pulling out a candy bar and tossing it next to Eli. Eli smiled and lunged forward, hugging Ronnie around his waist.

“Thank you, Ronnie,” Eli said in a singsong voice.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”

Ronnie crossed his arms, trying to look as pissed as possible. But, once again, his eyes betrayed him. I could see a warm light in them as he looked at Eli. A look of happiness and contentment. A soft smile filled my face seeing them.

Our situation wasn’t ideal. I didn’t get to see Eli as much as I wanted, our phone calls and video chats were limited, and I knew I wasn’t there for him a lot of the time when he probably needed somebody around.

But I knew he had Ronnie. Somebody who would always be there to take care of him. Somebody that would be there for him on the days that I couldn’t. Somebody who would go above and beyond what his job required of him to ensure Eli’s health and happiness. Somebody who loved Eli just as much as I did. And maybe even more.